u n c o v e r I r a q . c o m

Operation Texas Freedom
by Drew Hamre

We have tried diplomacy, but words have failed. War is forced upon us, and we must act against evil to liberate the failed state of Texas.

I know this is a divisive time for our country. Many of my fellow conservatives doubt the wisdom of acting now. To them I say: we will finally bring Kinky Friedman and Molly Ivins to justice! To my liberal colleagues I say: we will end the menace of “Walker, Texas Ranger”, forever!

Texas poses an immediate threat to peace. Its society has been militarized, with gun racks on its fearsome F150s, army preserves larger than most countries, and one of the last active nuclear weapons facilities on earth. The evils of Houston’s Enron continue to threaten our financial future.

Texas is the Waco state, where the government gassed its own people. Texan plutocrats live in gauche mansions, while its poor live in squalor. An American President was assassinated there, and many still fly the Confederate flag.

We must liberate Texas!

Some – even in our own intelligence community - will question the reliability of our threat assessment. But we have videotapes of Dallas resident J.R. Ewing plotting to control the world's oil markets. And just two years after the Aggie bonfire tower tragedy, the Twin Towers also collapsed in flame. Need I say more?

Texas threatens its neighbors and its citizens. As a waitress at a Colorado ski resort said, “I thought I hated Californians. But then I met a Texan.” Death row in Texas is a national disgrace. Prosecutors hire 'experts' to send indigents to death row, while millionaire murderers go free. The governor seals women’s death warrants with sneers and ridicule.

We have no argument with the long-suffering Texas people. For too long, innocent Texans have suffered under corrupt and self-serving politicians. We promise not occupation, but liberation, for the survivors, after a brief period of horrific violence, followed by martial law.

Liberate Texas!

The invasion will be a cakewalk. Hundreds of suppressed New York expatriates will rise in jubilation and greet our troops. The Cowboy cheerleader posters will be torn down. And millions of additional Texans who secretly admire northern history and popular culture will join the revolt, eager to reap the benefits of Yankee colonization and IMF loans.

We are preparing for the humanitarian consequences of this war. Five Dr Pepper trucks are massed at the border, and will soon bring relief to thirsty residents and a photo-op to our media.

We will not target innocent Texans. Our forces will focus on the tools of the regime: government buildings, Nieman Marcus, and Fox News. Mistakes will be made and thousands may be killed, but the tragedies won’t be reported so you won’t care.

Some say we pursue this war for the rich Texas oil fields, but they are wrong. The wealth of Texas belongs to the people of Texaco, pardon me, Texas. Our post-war planners believe that Texas can pay for its own reconstruction, its wartime debts, the Enron legacy, and the cost of invasion, all while dropping gas prices to a dollar a gallon.

Liberate Texas!

To those who say the war is about oil, I say, “It’s about security.” To those who argue that Texas is not a threat, I say, “It’s about liberation.” To those who argue that we haven’t cared about Texans for decades, I say: “It’s about international law.” And then I tell a few jokes about the French.

To those who doubt our support for the troops in view of the attempted $25-billion cut in veteran's benefits, I say: “Our soldiers won’t be retiring soon, anyway.”

Many ask, “Shouldn’t the bar for war be set extremely high?”

To them I say, “Jump.”

[Note: This unpublished piece was written in late March 2003, shortly after the US invaded Iraq. -DH]

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